 | Owen Plunges to 253rd in the Business Week Rankings In the most recent Business Week rankings of top MBA programs, Owen slid from 24th to 253rd overall. Business Week cited the reason for the dramatic fall as a lack of strategic vision. "We don't need a vision" was Dean Marty Geisel's response to the survey shortly before turning blue and clutching his chest. On the bright side, Owen was cited for having a really nice courtyard and lobby. In a related story, Sister Mary Agnes said, "We at St. Ignacious Business School for the Autistic are quite pleased to have moved up to #252." |
| Owen to Change Name A press release from the Owen Graduate School of Management at Vanderbilt University announced that the name of the school will be changed. Joel Covington was quoted as stating, after a decade we've finally realized that the Owen name has zero brand recognition among corporations, academic institutions and the general public, with the notable exception of places where Lori Sciadini has recruited. No decision has been made at this time as to the new name. However, rumor has it that the school will be renamed either Wharten, Stamfurd, or Kelog. |
| Charlie Sweat to Wed What would the odds have been at the start of school that Charlie Sweat would beat Mindy Sauers to the altar? We don't know either, but they would certainly have been long. Well, it's going to happen in Kansas City in May. It turns out that Mr. Sweat is engaged to a 5'4" blond-haired, blue-eyed nymphette complete with a blow-up valve. He calls her "Cindy". |
| 8:10 Cafe Scandal Rocks Owen An indepedent audit of 8:10 Cafe records showed that during the 1996-97 academic year some product was laced with Valium. The co-owners, Matt Smith and Scott Bruni were well known for their extremely competitive nature during their stay at Owen. It appears that during final exams the establishment owners laced the coffee they sold with Valium in an attempt to sabotage their classmates' GPAs. Neither co-owner could be reached for comment, but Rob Louv (another notoriously competitive alum) stated, "Damn, I wish I'd thought of that!" |
| Ellwood Linked to Livington Tryst In a recent interview, Larry Flint of Hustler magazine hinted that he still intends to go public with the name of ex-speaker candidate Bob Livingston's sexual partners. Tate has learned that those names are: Madonna, Tipper Gore and Alex Ellwood. It turns out that Owen wasn't the only place where Alex did impersonations of the King... |
| The Kuperman Watch Continues Six months after "graduating" from Owen, it appears that Jonathan Kuperman still has a job. Conventional wisdom held that Kuperman would be fired within the first six months on the job due to unethical behavior or merely due to his abrasive personality. At the present time, Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas lists the odds as 3-2 that Kuperman will get fired within the next six months. |
| Bullet Points Are Good In a recent statement, Fred Talbott said that he likes bullet points. He went on to say, "I love all of you. You're great!" |
